What Could Never Be
by schmooker
Summary: "What about our hearts, then?" James whispers, angrily. "You're breaking my heart. Shattering it." Here is the truth behind James and Petunia's past, and the reason why Petunia became how she is now. One Shot


**What Could Never Be**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters**

"What are you saying?" James whispers, his eyes glimmering with unshed tears.

"It's over. We're done." Petunia tries hard to calm the trembling in her voice, to look him right in the eye as she speaks those harsh words.

"You don't mean that." He grabs her, wraps his arms tightly around her. He remembers the time he'd done this at the Yule Ball when he'd snuck her into Hogwarts. She'd gone around wearing a mask all night, a beautiful, shimmery mask that complemented the flowy silver of her dress, a mask that kept her hidden from the rest of the magical world.

She remembers too, that moment, when she'd been the happiest she'd ever been in her life. She had simply been a girl, he, a boy, there had been no wizard, no muggle, no magic, no Lily. They had danced slowly under the full moon, shared their first kiss. She had felt so safe with him. It didn't matter that he was a wizard with powerful magic at his whim; she only knew that he cared for her and would be there for her always.

She swallows hard.

"I do mean it. This, this can't happen. I can't keep doing this. We're constantly sneaking behind everyone's backs. We have to lie straight to Lily's face. I can't do it anymore! I know she loves you, and she thinks you love her. This would break her heart."

"What about our hearts then?" James whispers, angrily. "You're breaking my heart. Shattering it." He takes her hand, weaving her fingers with his.

Petunia looks at their connected hands, remembering when they'd first done this summers ago, when James had visited her home. He'd come to visit Lily for a weekend, to "explore the muggle world." Instead, he'd met Petunia, and a beautiful love had blossomed. They hadn't been able to keep their eyes off of each other, but, sensing Lily's disapproval, they'd never said anything aloud. The three of them would go off to the movies, the shopping mall, the park. Whenever Lily wasn't looking, he'd grab Petunia's hand, interlacing their fingers, grinning as Petunia would blush and try to seem inconspicuous.

"I… you can be strong. Lily, Lily isn't strong. This would destroy her."

James just shakes his head slowly. "You're throwing it all away. You're throwing away years of love. You know how desperately I need you! I've owled you every day for years! We are together all the time! You've become a part of me."

James can't imagine a life without her. He can't imagine breathing without her. Everything in his life revolves around her.

Petunia nods, thinking of all the times he'd Apparated to her house, whisking her away into the night. They would take rides through the clear night sky on his broomstick, her shrieking with laughter as he would spin and stop, swirl and loop. He would bring her gifts, frogs made of chocolate that would hop around until she stuffed them into her mouth, candy beans that tasted of dirt and grass and then honey and vanilla.

"I know. And you've become a part of me. But I love my sister, too. How can we do this to her? She's in love with you. You are all she knows."

"What am I supposed to do? I can't help that. She is a good girl. But she's no you. She's nothing compared to you."

"Don't say that! She's more than good. She's wonderful, loving, beautiful, talented. She is an amazing witch. And what we're doing is absolutely hurtful to her. You don't understand how much this would kill her."

James sits down, pulling Petunia down beside him. He strokes her soft hair, pressing kisses to her cheek.

"You're killing me right now. Do you know how much it kills me to hear you say these things? We were meant to be together. Nothing could ever feel so right."

Petunia grows angry. "If we were meant to be together, then what are we doing, sneaking off in the middle of the night? I'm terrified of what I might let slip to Lily! I can't talk to anyone, _anyone_, because I'm afraid I might expose us. And my parents would never allow this. They know how Lily talks about you. She fawns over you, obsesses over you. They can't see anything but the two of you together."

"Petunia, please! Think of yourself, for once. This is your life, too. You can't just live for her. You've always lived for her, but now it's time to live for yourself."

Petunia takes in a deep breath, snuggling into the crook of James' neck, breathing in his scent. She remembers the first time she'd smelled his unique blend of spices and pine. It was his sixth year, and he'd snuck her into Hogwarts and into his room. They had been laughing and telling jokes when they heard Lily's voice call out for James, looking for him. In a panic, they darted into the first hiding spot they could find, a small walk-in closet with barely enough space for the two of them. Wedged into his broad body, Petunia had trouble breathing, holding in her laughter while she inhaled his masculine scent. They'd managed to keep silent long enough while Lily continued her hunt for James, finally leaving his room. James had caught Petunia's eyes, shining with mirth, and then captured her mouth in a breathtaking kiss. She would never forget that moment, pressed into him, breathing in his very existence.

Still, she is overcome with guilt and shame for hiding this from her sister, her dear, fragile sister.

"I just can't. She's my baby sister. I love her, I need to look out for her. How can I just stab her in the back? This has gone on for far too long. I can't believe I've let it come to this."

She straightens her back, enunciating her words with precision and determination.

"Petunia, don't do this," James' voice wavers, mixing desperation with uncertainty.

She turns away from him, refusing to let him see the tears falling from her eyes.

"Just go! Please! Go to her. She needs you."

"I need you! Don't do this to me!" His voice was breaking, just as his heart was.

"It's over. Can't you understand that? Don't they teach anything useful in that stupid magic school? Do they just fill your brains up with ridiculous spells and potions? Is that why you're too stupid to understand that we are done?" She makes her voice vicious, spiteful.

"Fine, I'm stupid. I don't care! All I care about is us. Look at me! Turn around and look me in the eyes and tell me the truth!"

Petunia whirls around, fixing her eyes on him.

"I am telling you the truth," she forces the words out coldly. "We're through. You're just a freak. A wizard freak. I don't want anything to do with you and your despicable magic anymore."

James narrows his eyes. "You don't care about that. You never did, and you never will," he whispers back.

"How many times do I have to say it?" she asked, wildly. "We are absolutely finished. Do not try to contact me again. Do not come near me. Just stay with your freaks. Your magic freaks. Stay with your own kind. I'm sick of it. You, magic, wizards, witches. I want nothing to do with it. You're all freaks. I'm normal. I just want a normal life." She breathes frenetically, choking on her lies.

James is stunned. He's never heard anything like this from Petunia before. These words dig into him, stabbing him, flogging him, torturing him. They rip apart the very essence of his soul. Before he can say a word, she turns on her heel and is gone. Gone completely, gone forever. All he can do is watch her leave, his eyes wide with confusion and despair. He is utterly broken, irreparably damaged. A piece of him is lost forever. He holds a hand to his chest, pressing down hard on his throbbing heart. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to do without her.

Petunia flees from James, choking on the tears that refuse to stop spilling. Her shoulders heave with sobs that wrack her body. She gulps down breaths of air, desperately forcing herself to keep moving, moving away, far, far away from him. She's done it, she's ended it. It needed to end. Lily needed James, and Petunia always knew that. She holds a hand to her aching heart, begging for it to stop wrenching with pain. Blessedly, it does. Blessedly, it becomes a numb, dead sensation. Blessedly, it becomes an emptiness that overtakes her, envelops her entire being, drowning her in the bitterness and cruelty of life.

...

**a/n: petunia and james! that would be crazy, wouldnt it? i always felt kind of bad for her… and then the actress who plays her in the hp movies is now on the tv series true blood, looking just as miserable! its crazy. anyway, just a little something i thought of while battling my neverending case with insomnia. hope you liked it! please review if you did :]**


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